I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
