Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
