You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
