im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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