i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
