i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
