I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
