just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
