She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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