and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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