I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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