My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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