Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
