I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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