i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
