There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Randomize
