How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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