My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
