it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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