She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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