I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
