My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I didn't notice because vodka
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
