I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
