I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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