i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
