At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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