someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
