U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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