If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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