is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
