just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
