God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
you never un-have a 4some
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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