my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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