i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
