the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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