Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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