I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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