i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
