in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
