Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
