I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
