Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
love makes seman taste better
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
