Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
