If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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