I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
