Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
