I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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