I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
