I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
