Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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